Last week I got myself a tape measure, figured out some sizing things and ordered a cheap dress online. It looked good, and for the first time in my life I felt beautiful. I felt like I could actually pull of a transition and not look like an ugly man in a dress. I giggled and cried and it felt so good. The next day I went to the mall, got my ears pierced, bought all the girly things I was brave enough to in person. Then I paced around mac like a weirdo until I worked up the courage to go in and ask for help picking makeup. They were great and super helpful getting me some basics. When I went home, I put my dress on, and thought I’d take it slow and just put on some lipstick and paint my nails. When I saw myself, I felt like an ugly old man in lipstick, and it fucking ruined all the euphoria from before. I know I can get past that, do my makeup better and find something more comfortable, but I wanted to hang on to that feeling forever. I saw the woman I know I am inside for a moment and wanted the rest to just happen. It’s not gonna be that easy though, is it?
Yep, buckle up, it’s the wildest rollercoaster ever.
There will come a day when you see your true self in the mirror without makeup, without a dress or anything else. As women we’re just super critical of ourselves and the expectation of “ideal” femininity so high that almost nobody can reach it. When you try your damnest to look for an ugly man in a dress, but all you’ll see is a woman, then you’ve come full circle. That is attainable.
The further along I get, the more women confide in me, and when you’ve heard enough perfectly lovely gals call themselves hideous because they have wrinkles or peach fuzz on their face, then you realize we’re all fighting a similar fight.