To prevent a recurrence of cancer, my wife’s ovaries were removed and it has triggered menopause. We are in our mid 30s. It is a terrible business, with numerous symptoms like pain, discomfort, mood and attitude changes, and the like.
She is seeking treatments by her own idea, but that process has been extremely slow. In the mean time, all affection for me has completely evaporated and been replaced with anger, resentment, distance, and disrespect.
I know that she has no choice in what is happening to her, I know it is not her fault, I know she is barely able to control it, and I don’t blame her for any of it. And yet, this new person living with me refuses to interact with me at all unless it’s to chastise me for some perceived slight or criticize me for voicing my opinion.
I tried to express that I was feeling undesired and attacked but understood my plight was in no way similar to hers (nor as intense, serious, difficult, or important). I didn’t want her to apologize because it wasn’t her fault; I only wanted her to recognize that I was having feelings about what was going on.
She told me I had no right to those feelings, reminded me that what was happening was happening to her, and I should never bring it up again if I care about her at all.
So I’m seriously asking: What’s the trick here? Do I just wait it out? Am I even allowed to have these feelings? Or should I just shut my big, dumb, stupid mouth? I legitimately want to know how to navigate this because I seem to only be making mistakes.
I went through menopause just a few years ago. It threw everything into an upheaval. Thank goodness I didn’t have a partner to be like this to, but therapy definitely helped. She is absolutely going through a lot, physically and mentally, and will be for years. I still have hot flash episodes for weeks at a time and it’s always different.
Your feelings are valid. You have every right to them. Just because someone is going through chemical changes in their body doesn’t mean they can abuse you like this. Telling you that you have no right to your feelings is emotional abuse and she has no right to do that to you. You both need help to get through this, whether separate or together, but this is all new and for you to be told to sit down and shut up is just heartbreaking. Everything happening to her is also happening to you because it seems to me that she’s taking it all out on you and yeah, that affects you.
You are not dumb or stupid. You are caring and sympathetic to what she’s going through, and she reacts to this with hostility and arrogance. I can’t imagine anyone is obligated to put up with that from anyone, for any reason. It might change in time, but not if she never acknowledges the validity of your feelings and your right to have them.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
This reply is on the short list for support and validation. I just wish I could get her to understand it this way.
I’ve heard couple’s counseling suggested a few times, but the last time I was finally able to get her to agree to go she said she felt attacked and ended up storming out without finishing the session, and that was before she underwent all this.
Just the other day I confronted her about being interrupted again before I could finish explaining my idea and that I was hurt because she had promised to work on doing that less. She said she interrupts me because my ideas are stupid, as if that validates her active. I told her that I thought she might’ve had a different opinion if I’d been able to fully explain my reasons but she cut me off again and insisted she’d firm enough information to judge me as wrong by the first half sentence I uttered. I told her that wasn’t even my point: that she’d promised to do that less, and I ended up sleeping on the couch.
I don’t know how to get through to her and she refuses to try counseling, asserting that she has no issues to work on.
If she’s been like this before she underwent all this, then she was already treating you very badly and recent events only made it worse. I’m not any kind of doctor so I won’t throw around diagnoses, but I recognize these behaviors from other people describing what they’ve experienced from people who were emotionally and physically abusing them. I’ve also experienced some myself from being emotionally abused and neglected.
This sounds like abuse to me. You are being abused and manipulated maliciously and therapy can help you get through this. I was diagnosed with cPTSD, complex post traumatic stress disorder, which is PTSD that happens after long term trauma (especially in childhood, which is mine). Years with an abusive partner could definitely affect you this way.
You deserve a life of happiness. The sooner you get into therapy, the sooner you can get to happiness, or at least away from abuse. You are not going to change her.