For context I’m not out to anyone and I still boymode (6months HRT)
I was at a party in a bar with friends 1 month ago, we took pictures together and posted them in a discord server, immediately a dude “V” asked if I was a real femboy. So now I have people asking me about it and I didn’t reply.
Yesterday I had an eyelid surgery and I sent a picture in the group with my eye patch just for fun and V immediately went “yeah you’re 100% a femboy I was certain of it” (in another language) and people AGREED???!!
I don’t know what to do, on one hand I want to be a woman not a boy or a man, but on the other, since I probably won’t pass until I get FFS I might as well say I am a femboy in the meantime, this way I can pretend to be a man and still wear what I want?
I’m not sure I would get treated better than if I was out as a trans woman. Feminine men get a lot of shit. But femboys seem to be trendy enough to be seen as weirdly cool. Idk…
… I probably won’t pass until I get FFS I might as well say I am a femboy in the meantime, this way I can pretend to be a man and still wear what I want?
I bet you look way more feminine than you think you do considering they think you are a femboy despite your current masc presentation.
Also, do your friends think femboys are cool? They might be more accepting than you think. It’s entirely up to you if you want to come out to them, but like that other commenter said, you could temporarily identify as a femboy to ease into coming out as a trans woman.
I know. Kinda jealous lmao. Ive been doing hrt for a little longer and noone has mentioned i look feminine. :(
Try not to compare yourself to ppl, besides I don’t look as fem as you think I do I still get violently SIIIIR’d.
The femboy thing is likely because:
- I wear nail polish all the time
- I voice train all the time so my voice is relatively high pitched.
- I epilate everything
- I know and meet a lot of people it’s kinda bound to happen in those circumstances.
I will admit that HRT did do it’s job, but before V said anything no one told me I looked fem.
There is also the possibility that your friends don’t see you changing, if you knew them pre transition and still see them regularly they might not notice, but if someone new is brought into the equation then it might happen. You’re a trans woman even if you don’t pass you’re still miles more feminine than any other cis dude around you!💜
Well, are you a woman?
Then 👉👉 Fam You Look Femme
I feel weird about these kinds of things people say.
I get it’s coming from a kind place, and I guess that for some people it might help and give them strength to keep going, but for me… It feels like being coddled.
Let me make my position very clear, I’m talking about the conflation of what you are with how you look.
Not all women look femme. And while OP has expressed in other comments that she has feminine characteristics (while she discounts them, despite being important (hey OP, a feminine voice is a Very feminine thing to have, it might contribute a lot to you being seen as a femboy)), you haven’t seen how she looks in order to call how she looks ‘femme’.
How I personally feel
Femme means something specific. I’m a slightly dysphoric enby, who looks more masc than I want, and when people who know, try to tell me I look femme, I (do get euphoric, and then) ask them why. And honestly, if they don’t have a good vibe of understanding what they’re saying, it feels disingenuous, and it feels bad. Like a confirmation that they don’t see the femme parts that are here.
On top of everything else, people could still be in the process of becoming what they want to look like. I personally prefer to hear others’ honest impressions, in order to understand how to better change, if I so desire. I guess there’s a need for both feedback and validation, and I prefer that each person give of what they actually have to give, what they actually do think.
To OP:
OP, stay strong, it sounds like you’re making some tough decisions, based on your living conditions. I do think that, if you can’t actually come out as a trans woman, coming out as a femboy might make you go through 2 easier, but still difficult situations, rather than one very difficult one. Coming out is never over anyway, and details always change in one’s life, but do the best your senses tell you you can do, they’re usually your best bet, since you know your life. Your gut can take a lot more information in to make a decision, than other people can, or even your logical side can. You sound like you have the perseverance for this. Good luck, and have fun with your journey!
Fair point. I guess I was using femininity and femme interchangably without realizing it. Not all women express their femininity through being femme.
If you’re looking for tips on femme styling or makeup, I can maybe help you out. I’ve somehow come to terms with, and even like, how femme I’ve made this later in life 6ft frame of an ogre.
Ok yeah, I have absolutely no idea where to start other than a feel of how “some ways to put my hair up make me euphoric”, so I’d love to talk about it. The styling specifically. I don’t have make up and it’s scary 🥲
Thats totally valid. Makeup scared me even though I used some during my “maybe I’m just a falmboyant man” phase. If you ever do feel comfortable giving 1-2 things a try in the makeup Dept. then I would recommend buying a 12-16$ mascara from your local drugstore. Mascara on the eyelashes goes such a long way into femme for how little it is.
What length of hair are you working with?
Pretty long. Curliness makes it not show its full length, and it still hangs below the shoulders. Brushed straight, it just about reaches the end of the ribcage
OMG thank you so much that was so kind and informative 💜💜💜
And yeah I agree having people that know about your gender identity tell you that you look fem without justification feels like they’re just trying to please you. In that sense not being out as a trans woman is great because people comment on your femininity and you know it’s genuine even though it can be used as an insult (call me a lesser man I’ll nearly enjoy it lmao).
And yeah hang in there Hugu it’s not easy, I’m sure you’ll look the way you want soon enough!💜 Can I ask if you are considering HRT?
Really kind comment, thanks a lot! ☺️💜
Yeah, I am considering it, when I get some more financial stability.
Specifically, about a new-ish (read: not very well researched yet) hormone, which has estrogen effects all over the body (and mentally), except the breasts where is produces significantly reduced growth (I think F1nn5ter is using it for his transition and was talking about it, though I didn’t learn about it from him so I don’t know what he said). (Imma look for its name later, and come back to write it if it’s hard to find)
I think it’s SERM’s, sounds cool! Good luck on your journey :)
That is correct, I remember the discourse and comparison between raloxifene and tamoxifen. Their existence sounds very cool.
Thanks a lot!
I bet you look way more feminine than you think you do considering they think you are a femboy despite your current masc presentation
Thanks :) but I think it’s more a matter of being relatively young and wearing nail polish.
And honestly I don’t know what they think ABT femboys but they seem to talk about them sadly in a sexual fashion, no one in the group is queer (that I know of) besides me.
you could temporarily identify as a femboy to ease into coming out as a trans woman.
It might be easier to understand for my friends, so I guess I’d be pretending to be a femboy which while not ideal is better than being a man.
Most Discord communities are toxic. That being said…
People will give you shit for whatever reason. Only winning move is not giving a fuck.
It is hard but if you work towards something, work towards that and not the acceptance of people who are more interested in their opinion about you instead of you as a person.
It’s up to you ultimately. I never identified as a femboy, but I also transitioned long before that label took off. I would be uncomfortable being seen or treated as anything other than a woman, personally. And imo it’s better to rip that bandaid off. If they were transphobic they would likely not be enthusiastic about gnc men. But then it depends on the community. Is transphobia normally tolerated there? If not, I’d say you should go for it.
Yeah I’m in one of those countries where trans people are starting to enter public consciousness but are still mostly ignored. But some ppl know about us in that sense my group is a bit progressive, they know another trans woman, she did a lot of shitty stuff (Ava Tyson style) and they keep deadnaming and misgendering her, even if I come out to them my identity is only going to be respected conditionally kind of like a favour. So I feel like I need to go about it progressively.
I am not trans and I have no experience with this sort of thing, however femboy might be a safe transitionary identity for you. That is of course, assuming you are comfortable with the label.
However, this is just an observation from an outsider. I am sure someone more qualified will have a betyder answer than me
Thanks, yes, I am boymoding so I suppose being a femboy is a step up. 💜
I guess it depends how your emotions resolve. If you don’t want to be seen as a boy/man, then you can ask them to stop calling you that without elaborating further. I personally would not have friends or continue to stay in a space where people didn’t respect my identity, pronouns, or whatever label I choose for myself.
For my transition I’m not looking to be seen as or called a boy - period, so being called a femboy would cause me the same pangs as being misgendered.
I think the thing I would think about is if you’re okay with people deciding who you are. Sure, there’s some affirmation as they see you as feminine, but once you open up to these people about your goals, will they respect you or continue to call you something that doesn’t align with your transition.
I think the thing I would think about is if you’re okay with people deciding who you are
Well In a way I like it because it means they see me as something different from a man without me even asking them to do anything that’s very validating for me. But yeah I’m scared that might happen indeed.
For my transition I’m not looking to be seen as or called a boy - period, so being called a femboy would cause me the same pangs as being misgendered.
Well I am boymoding so I suppose it’s a step up?
I am 100% toying with the idea of asking them to use feminine pronouns to refer to me. Though I’m scared of being seen as illegitimate. I still have some beard shadow I can’t get rid of without laser.
I think your feelings on this are super valid. Each step can be a bit scary, especially when you aren’t sure how people in your life are going to react. Pronouns and gender identity are your choice 🩷 remember that it’s not about passing or having certain checkboxes checked, it’s about how you feel and what you’re working on/towards! One aspect of transitioning is finding people who respect who you are and who you want to become without gatekeeping or forcing their personal versions of gender on you. Women can have beards, body hair, deep voices, balding, huge muscles, etc - it’s fine if you don’t want these things for yourself, but none of these are a reason to think you aren’t valid as a woman.
If you can, I super encourage you to try to find more queer places and people to interact with. You’ll find there’s a huge spectrum of gender presentation and identity - it really helped me feel confident and comfortable with my choices and feelings.
Take it as validation I guess?
Still, if it annoys you, tell them to piss off.
It’s far more healthy for the people in this situation to not concern themselves with what others think they are, but I know that’s not easy. If they aren’t using the term in a negative light then they might truly think they’re being endearing.
or, in lieu of my previous advice, you could pull him aside, or text him separately, and just politely ask him to stop calling you a femboy. if he asks why, “because I asked you to”.
I would tell that guy off, personally. “how’s about you keep your opinions of what I am to yourself. if I want to tell you about a change, I’ll tell you”
